Mental health sucks…..

Again, a blog without pictures. I have not done much of anything this wekeend, I was in town yesterday. I was browsing books in the best bookstore in town, they have a lot of good books there.

The apartment got cleaned also. It is hard trying to make it work, because both me and my daughter have real trouble seeing the mess, and my husband is the one picking up after us. He gets tired of it, and I have no idea how to solve it. I try, I really, really try, but it is so hard. And it triggers stuff for me, with my upbringing. I get scared, because that was what I was when I was growing up, scared. I never did seem to do anything right, and it feels that way now to.

It seems that I am anxious all the time now. I do realise that I do not take care of my body at all, I do not excercise, I do not eat right. I all the wrong things to feel good, but it is hard to change. I feel really anxious when I leave the apartment by myself, and that is why I prefer to stay at home. I feel like I am waiting for a attack when I am outside. I have trouble when it is to light, and now it is weird weather. It is supposed to be winter and snow, it feels like spring.

Well, perhaps I will try and meditate and take a walk sometime. Maybe then I would feel better. But it is boring!

Autistic anxiety

I have had no interest or motivation to write anything in my blog the last couple of days. I have not really been doing anything, besides reading and playing sims. Okay, building houses in sims. But no pictures this time, I think.

I get like this, I start big, and then I just fall through. I do not want to, I have no motivation, I do not know how to continue. It feels like my brain is melting, I know, not melting, but I feel, empty for some reason. I wonder if I could learn how to draw, or how to sew. I tried cross stitching, it is done, but I have not put it in a frame yet. But that feels like it would really mean something for other people. This, this is just nothing. I feel like I am nothing sometimes. Or mostly, like I have no skills what so ever. I am not one of those brilliant autistic people that have this amazing skill, and can profite from it. I am one of the ordinary autistic people that can live a relatively normal life, but not be able to work.

It eats at me, and I feel useless because of this. I feel that other people are soo much better than I am, they can do what they want with their life. I do not really know why I got this way, my daughter is diagnosed with ASD also, but she seems quite different. She has talent for writing, for drawing and a lot of other stuff. I can not remember that I had that when I was a child. Perhaps I did, but it died with my mothers criticism of me. I never did anything right in her eyes. I think I stopped trying, because I knew that she was going to say something about it.

I am turning 40 in a little more than a week. I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. I can not go on living like I have. I do love my husband and my daughter. I want to be a good example for my daughter, but I do not know how.

The worst part is my anxiety. I have medication, but I do not want to live with medication all my life. I want to be healthy and live medication free. Perhaps anti-depressant is what I would go for only, because of my depression in the winter. But other than that, I want to be free of medication. But I do not know how to start feeling better about myself.

And I want it done now. I am impatient as heck.

I BUILT ANOTHER HOUSE IN SIMS 4

I got done with another house today, and I love it. This was my second try on a house in sims, and I think I have pretty good. I built it for a partying couple that makes videos and have a photography studio in their house. It even got a guest room and training room. It got expensive, but I thought that, I do not care, my sims deserves to live a life if luxuary. I uploaded to the gallery, lets see if someone downloads it. I think I will wait a little now to start building a new house, I was thinking a older kind of house, the kind where the chimney goes in the middle of the house to warm up all the rooms.

I think this will be my new special interest, because you know, autism. I can say that I do feel less anxiety when I am building those houses. I guess that is good.

Selina

Yesterday we did the so fun job of going to buy a new seat for the toilet. Our seats break constantly, it says on them that they will last for years, but no. I wonder what it is that is wrong, that makes everything brakes all the time. I will not put up a picture of the toilet seat, I hope that most people know how they look.

Oh, and we got roped in the lottery, postkodskotteriet, where you can win stuff and money based on where you live. We are now adults, I think.

The washing machine is melting

Yes, that is correct. I realised today that our washing mashine was melting. It was not really bad, it is on the side, but yet. Apparently my daughter has used a face wipe, and then put it on the washing machine. That melts plastic, and has melted.

I am not really happy about it. I do not think it impacts with the washing, but it is not good. I feel so stressful about it, but what can I do? I can not turn back time and make my daughter throw it away now. I know that she is this way, she puts stuff everywhere, and forgets about it. We are constantly picking up after her. Next week she has a school holiday, and I know I will have to go clean after her. I know that it is because of both her age and her asperger, but it gets really hard anywhy. I know that I also have trouble picking up stuff, my husband is the one that suffers this the most.

But what can you do to help both myself and my daughter with this. We are trying to get help, but it goes slowly.

I have built a house all by myself!

In sims that is. But I am proud of it anywhy. I often download houses from the gallery, and I have been watching some people on Youtube speedbuild houses with stop motion. This time I decided to build my own house. I do realise that perhaps starting with tiny building was not the best option, but I think I did it.

I have no pictures of the inside, if I am thinking about putting it up in the gallery so that other people can use it. I have my very small family with a mother, a robot and a daughter. I cheated a little and used play with genetics to get a daughter out of them, but I think it went fine. I obviously named the robot Optimus Prime, and I have to remember that he should not use the pool. Pools are bad for robots.

Valentines day and anxiety

I know that Valentines day is something many people celebrate. I do not really do that, I feel that you should show that you love your partner all year round. I am not really big on any holidays, I think it is hard work and it never goes like you want to. They are often a very stressful times, and with my anxiety levels I do not believe I need them higher. I do feel anxiety every day, even with medication. I have no idea what I should do about it at this point. I buy books about asperger and anxiety, about how to be less stressful, have less anxiety and it sounds great. But I do not read them, I can not get myself to read them. I read a bit, I try for a bit, and then I just, stop.

I really wish there where something that I can do to make myself feel better.

Oh, and the big one tried to eat the other cats vomit. I did not feel that was okay. And he is not getting any kisses from me either.

A Diary of sorts

I am new at this, but I thought I would give it a try. It is overwhelming to say the least with all these choices for a design for a blog. I only want to make myself a little blog, that perhaps will interest some people.

I like the qoute, so I am keeping it.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

catbear

About Catbear

I am a swedish woman, that tragically is not a bear in real life. I do have a lot of free time, that I hope to find a way to fill. I do not work, because of my mental health. You could say it is a little, bad. I am also autistic, I was diagnosed with asperger when I was an adult. I have been masking my whole life, and it takes it toll.

I see this blog like a way to connect with other people that have some of the same experiences, with mental health and asperger. I am also a mother to a daughter, that is also diagnosed with asperger. It has it challenges for both of us, and I would like to write about it.

I was thinking a little about what I wanted with this blog, I think I have some idea about why I write, and also why I choose to write in english.

  • I want more people to read it and connect with more people
  • I want to practice writing in english
  • I want to practice writing overall
  • I want to tell about living with mental health problems
  • I want to tell about living with autism
  • I want to show pictures of my cats