I am a bad blogg mother

I have not written or even looked at my blog for ages. It have felt completely overwhelming, and I have not had the energy. I can also get really interested in something, start out big and then realize, this was so hard to keep up. I do not want to. Most things I do goes that way, and it is not at all fun. I change interests a lot, oh, maybe I can try that, or that, or that. But yeah, it never works out in the end.

Warhammer, my husband made this for me, because I asked him to. It is mine, and mine only, I do not even play, I like the figure. I do read the novels though.

I have been reading the horrornovels and also other. I just finished the books about Eisenhorn and Ravernor by Abnett, and I really liked them.

This spring, well, it has been a hard one. My daughter have had problems, she is almost a teenager, she is going to be 12 this year. She acts like a teenager one minute, then like a little kid the next. The trouble getting her up foor school was hard. But now it is the summer holiday. My daughter stays inside all the time and play games and watch tv. I have realised that she and I have different stim, she likes to make noises, and also look a lot of stuff at the same time. That is exhausting to listen to, for me.

But we have done half of 2020 now, it has been, interesting. I saw that Kanye West where going to run for president, I have no idea if he is kidding or not. And Elon Musk supports him, again, I have no idea if that is a joke or not. I am very out of touched with the news, before I read news everyday, but now, no. I do not really feel up to it, it drains me so hard that I can not function.

In the fall my daughter starts a new class, and they change shool local again. This is much closer to home, so I have hope that it will get easier up ahead for her to go to school. She had trouble with getting to the school because of the distance. But it will get better.

Monday, new week

I had a pretty good weekend this time, especially sunday. My husband was going to buy new headphones, and me and my daughter went to. We also thought we could turn in our daughters phone, she has dropped it to many times and the screen it in shards. That did not go totally well with my daughter, she would have no phone! Her life was ruined! She did get to borrow mine later, but that is not really good either, but it works. She was mostly upset about her Harry Potter game.

I also finally bought the Supernatural cookbook. I have to have some things left of it, even when the series end. I will make Pudding!

Sims starter house

I also build houses in sims. I did a tiny starter house, tier-2. With a pool, so that they do not get to hot. I am really happy that there are stuff that are free so you can build a house that looks almost okay, but a sim can still buy it for a starter.

So, all in all, I think I am okay. I think that I feel alright, but I am not sure either. I do feel like I am always on edge, and there is a lot of sensory overload right now. It is to bright, to much noise. I have no idea how to make it better.

I thought my cat would die….

So, I have not been at all good at writing a blog. I am sorry for that, I get this way, I through myself in to stuff and then I forget them for a while. That is one of my troubles with my autism and add.

Anyway, my cat. I really thought my cat where going to die. Last thursday he where not himself, he was really tired, I could hardly get any response from him. He seemed dizzy, and had trouble standing on his right legs. So off to the veterinarian he went. 5000 swedish krona later, and the result was in. There was nothing wrong with him, the bloodtest where perfect. We took him home, he was tired the rest of the day but now he is like himself again. I told my husband that Emrys is a secret agent, and he was due to drop off information to another cat at the veterinarian. That sounds about right, but next time I hope he can do a skype call or something.

But I am really happy that he is fine, he reminded me of my first cat, his kidneys stopped working and they could not get them to start again. He was an older cat, but we thought we did have more time with him.

SimsBuilding

So, off I go building another house in sims. It has been a while since I did that. I dowloaded a lot of mods and cc, and now my sims are wearing victorian clothes and I love it. I wish I had a nightgown like that, a white, long cotton nightgown, but that seems really hard to get. I have looked.

I am stress eating, and my daughter feares Corona.

Many people would think that I have nothing to stress over. I guess it is a little bit of this, and a little bit of this.

My spoons are really low today, and my home and all in it suffers from it. Mostly me and the housework. After we had guest over for my birthday, I realised that one of our cats had peed in my husbands wardrobe. Lots more too wash. My daughter has not been to school, when I try to get her to go she has meltdowns. They can last hours if they are really bad.

Spoon theory

Of you where thinking more why I was talking about spoons, I mean like that. Not this:

Spoon.

So, my spoons feel like they are gone today. Mostly.

Oh, and watch Britannia. It is wonderful.

40, anxiety and terror

I am 40 years old.

We went out to dinner yesterday, to a really nice restuarant. It was really good food, and I love the place. And my daughter even put up a picture of her and me on her snapchat! With much filter that is. But anyway, I got on her snapchat, and that is a miracle.

Over to other stuff, I do not know how to relax. I am anxoius all the time, and I am scared.

An autistic half-life story, I want to stim and rock

I am autistic woman. I was diagnosed with asperger and add in 2013, when I was 33 years old. I had gone 33 years without a diagnosis, and then I had one. It explained a lot, why I felt like I did, why I reacted like I did. It was both wonderful and scary at the same time. I did not know a lot about autism at the time, and I have to admit, I do not feel like I know a lot. The things I read about it, what characteristics is said about autism, I feel it is normal. That is how you supposed to react. I also does not really know how how much is me, and how much is masking.

Childhood

When I was groving up I got yelled at a lot, from my mother. I do have trouble with memories with when I was little, and I do not know if that is because I have bad memory, or if I am suppresing it. I did not have a god relationship with my mother, I now realise that she had her own mental problems, but that did not make it al right taking it out on me. I really tried doing like she told me to do, I really tried behaving like she wanted me to, but it was never enough. I was always stressed, I had anxiety, I was depressed. I remember when I was around 12, sitting on the floor crying and holding a knife and wanting to hurt myself. I did wanted to not exist when I was younger, but I did not think I wanted to kill myself. I just wished that I never had existed in the first place.

Adulting

Anyway, I grew up, I moved away when I was 18, and it was in many ways to get away from my mother. I was quite a mess back then, and I tried to make friends with people and it did not really work that great. I did not know who I was at all, which I still not do to some degree, but it was worse then. The years before I met my husband is mostly a blur for me, I do not remember them to well, or perhaps I do not want to remember them. I was masking like hell, and I was tired. When I met my husband I started to relax, and at that time in my life everything was wonderful. It is wonderful now to, I would not trade it for anything. I did so much then to improve my life, I finished school, I got my drivers license, we bought a house, I lost weight.

We then decided we wanted to have children, or more specific, one child. I got pregnant directly, I had a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, and everything was fine. Except that I got a post-partum depression, felt overwhelmed all the time, got meltdowns. I did manage to start university, but I have not finished a degree. We did feel it was to much to take care of a house on top of it all, so we sold it and moved to an apartment in the city we live in today.

It was here that a psychiatrist asked me if I ever had any assesment for adhd, and I got sent in line for one, the waiting time was years. But I got an assesment, and they told me that I had asperger and add. I know they have taken away asperger now, but that is the diagnosis I got, so I am sticking with it.

After diagnosis

I can not say that everything went totally fine after I got my diagnosis, I struggle. I can not work. I have trouble with cleaning and a lot of other stuff. But I get meltdowns, I get overwhelmed, and have trouble with sensory input. Today the sun is out, but I feel I can not go out, because it is to bright. The light hurts me. I have realised that I not can wear any kind of clothes, my t-shirts are made of cotton, I can not wear anything else, becuase it feels like it hurts my skin.

I get overwhelmed by the sensory input of a lot of stuff. I get depressions and I have anxiety. So I take medications for it, I have a lot of different kinds, for my depression, for my anxiety, to help me sleep. I do not like it, but I can not function at all without it. I have tried different stuff, but I think it is really hard. To stick with something is not something I am good at either, I have read about pathological demand avoidance, PDA, and I am pretty sure I fall in under that. So that makes it even harder.

I do stimming. I have realised that rocking is a great way to release anxiety, problem is that I can not sit and rock all the day. I flap my hands to destress to, and also when I am happy. I can not hide when I get happy and excited from my husband, my flapping hands reveals me. And apparently that I can not stop smiling.

Parenting

Last year my daughter got a diagnosis of asd to, it is mostly the same diagnocis that I got. I hope to be a good example for her. I can a lot of myself in her, but I think she is more confident. I guess she has more people in her life that listens to her and understand. I want to learn her that stimming is okay, and that masking can be bad for you.

I really hope my life can be happy and that I can raise a happy daughter. I want that she gets what I did not, a happy childhood and someone who understands her. Someone who does not say that she react wrong, or that she does things wrong. She is good at so much things, I am stunned by her drawings, and the things she write. She is much better than I at such stuff.

Birthday

But next week is my birthday, I am going to be 40 years old. I am looking forward to it, I like getting older in some way. I feel I can be more myself now. I will get a cake, and hopefully some presents. Something with bears.

Autistic Nerdmother

Sooooooooon

I did it, I pre-purchased the next expansion in World of Warcraft. I will try playing tomorrow, of my husband can help me with my computer. Apperantly the grafic card was not up to date.

The Unwilling

I read this book today, I just flew through it. I actually started reading it because I had to Read something, and there it was. I loved it, I think you can guess that. This is the kind of book I love, and I want more like it.

The Long Lankin

“Childrens Book”

This was Said to be a childrens book, but I felt, okay, I will read it. It plats out during the second world war in Britain, two childrens are sent out to their aunt in the country that they never meet. But well, childrens should not be at that place. It is the creepiest, most horrifying book I have ever read. Perhaps some of it comes with the authors really good ability to describe the surroundings. I can see the house in my mind.

Emrys with a new toy

And of course, a picture of one of the kittys. Because I know everyone loves cats.

This is a good way for me to talk about my interests. Perhaps someone ser my recommendations and try them, books or series.

What would you want to know?

I am autistic, and it is how I am. It can be hard explaining to other people, who are not autistic. If anyone reads this, and have questions, feel free to ask about it. I will not take offence, and I only kill people in sims.

You do not seem autistic……

It is monday, and it has been a ordinary day. I got to watch Doctor Who, which is always lovely. I actually like Jodie Whittaker as the doctor, I feel like she make a good one. The Master is creepy crazy, even if I really did like Michelle Gomez as Missy. I have watched Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and I love her as Lilith.

I watch a lot of series, and one of my favourite is ending with this season. I guess most people can guess what it is, Supernatural. I have ordered the cockbook, and it is my birthdaypresent to myself. I think you all should order it.

It is the official cockbook, and a picture from the internet. I will show you mine when I get it.

I also watch Lucifer, and want the next season now. But altered carbon comes on thursday to netflix, so there is that.

Well, there is my talking about some series I watch. I watch other to, I actually watch the Good Doctor, but I get angry every time. I do not feel like he represent a good picture of someone with autism. Not someone that where able to complete a education like that. The picture of autism is very sterotypical, and that are all people that where on the show and have autism. I know two of the actors really have autism, but I miss the people that I and many more of us can identify with. Those that many people say to: Oh, you do not seem autistic. I have heard that a lot. I have no idea what to say to that. I do think I seem autistic. But many people do not seem to think people with autism can have relationships and especially children. But I do rock, rocking is good for you.

Kill the men!

Oh, and I have seven men in my basement, that is only a small part and the rest is a pool. I am waiting to see who dies first. They are really uncomfortable. In sims, it is in sims, you do not have to call the police. They are in sims, I do not even own a basement.

Mental health sucks…..

Again, a blog without pictures. I have not done much of anything this wekeend, I was in town yesterday. I was browsing books in the best bookstore in town, they have a lot of good books there.

The apartment got cleaned also. It is hard trying to make it work, because both me and my daughter have real trouble seeing the mess, and my husband is the one picking up after us. He gets tired of it, and I have no idea how to solve it. I try, I really, really try, but it is so hard. And it triggers stuff for me, with my upbringing. I get scared, because that was what I was when I was growing up, scared. I never did seem to do anything right, and it feels that way now to.

It seems that I am anxious all the time now. I do realise that I do not take care of my body at all, I do not excercise, I do not eat right. I all the wrong things to feel good, but it is hard to change. I feel really anxious when I leave the apartment by myself, and that is why I prefer to stay at home. I feel like I am waiting for a attack when I am outside. I have trouble when it is to light, and now it is weird weather. It is supposed to be winter and snow, it feels like spring.

Well, perhaps I will try and meditate and take a walk sometime. Maybe then I would feel better. But it is boring!

Autistic anxiety

I have had no interest or motivation to write anything in my blog the last couple of days. I have not really been doing anything, besides reading and playing sims. Okay, building houses in sims. But no pictures this time, I think.

I get like this, I start big, and then I just fall through. I do not want to, I have no motivation, I do not know how to continue. It feels like my brain is melting, I know, not melting, but I feel, empty for some reason. I wonder if I could learn how to draw, or how to sew. I tried cross stitching, it is done, but I have not put it in a frame yet. But that feels like it would really mean something for other people. This, this is just nothing. I feel like I am nothing sometimes. Or mostly, like I have no skills what so ever. I am not one of those brilliant autistic people that have this amazing skill, and can profite from it. I am one of the ordinary autistic people that can live a relatively normal life, but not be able to work.

It eats at me, and I feel useless because of this. I feel that other people are soo much better than I am, they can do what they want with their life. I do not really know why I got this way, my daughter is diagnosed with ASD also, but she seems quite different. She has talent for writing, for drawing and a lot of other stuff. I can not remember that I had that when I was a child. Perhaps I did, but it died with my mothers criticism of me. I never did anything right in her eyes. I think I stopped trying, because I knew that she was going to say something about it.

I am turning 40 in a little more than a week. I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. I can not go on living like I have. I do love my husband and my daughter. I want to be a good example for my daughter, but I do not know how.

The worst part is my anxiety. I have medication, but I do not want to live with medication all my life. I want to be healthy and live medication free. Perhaps anti-depressant is what I would go for only, because of my depression in the winter. But other than that, I want to be free of medication. But I do not know how to start feeling better about myself.

And I want it done now. I am impatient as heck.