Blogg mummy

Well, I Will try to write more often. I have been in a down period, I have mostly read and played Sims.

I do feel like a failure in life, 40 years old, not working and overweight. This is not how I imagained My life gooing. Granted, My dreams where a bit, over the to top, but anyway.

I am smiling. this is how I smile for a camera.

But anyway, I got complimented om a house I built in Sims, so that is great. And me and My husband have shipped our daughter to her grandparents. The thing we get most excited about, now we can eat what we like, without trying to get our daughter too eat to. I think a lot of parents can relate.

I am a bad blogg mother

I have not written or even looked at my blog for ages. It have felt completely overwhelming, and I have not had the energy. I can also get really interested in something, start out big and then realize, this was so hard to keep up. I do not want to. Most things I do goes that way, and it is not at all fun. I change interests a lot, oh, maybe I can try that, or that, or that. But yeah, it never works out in the end.

Warhammer, my husband made this for me, because I asked him to. It is mine, and mine only, I do not even play, I like the figure. I do read the novels though.

I have been reading the horrornovels and also other. I just finished the books about Eisenhorn and Ravernor by Abnett, and I really liked them.

This spring, well, it has been a hard one. My daughter have had problems, she is almost a teenager, she is going to be 12 this year. She acts like a teenager one minute, then like a little kid the next. The trouble getting her up foor school was hard. But now it is the summer holiday. My daughter stays inside all the time and play games and watch tv. I have realised that she and I have different stim, she likes to make noises, and also look a lot of stuff at the same time. That is exhausting to listen to, for me.

But we have done half of 2020 now, it has been, interesting. I saw that Kanye West where going to run for president, I have no idea if he is kidding or not. And Elon Musk supports him, again, I have no idea if that is a joke or not. I am very out of touched with the news, before I read news everyday, but now, no. I do not really feel up to it, it drains me so hard that I can not function.

In the fall my daughter starts a new class, and they change shool local again. This is much closer to home, so I have hope that it will get easier up ahead for her to go to school. She had trouble with getting to the school because of the distance. But it will get better.

I am stress eating, and my daughter feares Corona.

Many people would think that I have nothing to stress over. I guess it is a little bit of this, and a little bit of this.

My spoons are really low today, and my home and all in it suffers from it. Mostly me and the housework. After we had guest over for my birthday, I realised that one of our cats had peed in my husbands wardrobe. Lots more too wash. My daughter has not been to school, when I try to get her to go she has meltdowns. They can last hours if they are really bad.

Spoon theory

Of you where thinking more why I was talking about spoons, I mean like that. Not this:

Spoon.

So, my spoons feel like they are gone today. Mostly.

Oh, and watch Britannia. It is wonderful.

An autistic half-life story, I want to stim and rock

I am autistic woman. I was diagnosed with asperger and add in 2013, when I was 33 years old. I had gone 33 years without a diagnosis, and then I had one. It explained a lot, why I felt like I did, why I reacted like I did. It was both wonderful and scary at the same time. I did not know a lot about autism at the time, and I have to admit, I do not feel like I know a lot. The things I read about it, what characteristics is said about autism, I feel it is normal. That is how you supposed to react. I also does not really know how how much is me, and how much is masking.

Childhood

When I was groving up I got yelled at a lot, from my mother. I do have trouble with memories with when I was little, and I do not know if that is because I have bad memory, or if I am suppresing it. I did not have a god relationship with my mother, I now realise that she had her own mental problems, but that did not make it al right taking it out on me. I really tried doing like she told me to do, I really tried behaving like she wanted me to, but it was never enough. I was always stressed, I had anxiety, I was depressed. I remember when I was around 12, sitting on the floor crying and holding a knife and wanting to hurt myself. I did wanted to not exist when I was younger, but I did not think I wanted to kill myself. I just wished that I never had existed in the first place.

Adulting

Anyway, I grew up, I moved away when I was 18, and it was in many ways to get away from my mother. I was quite a mess back then, and I tried to make friends with people and it did not really work that great. I did not know who I was at all, which I still not do to some degree, but it was worse then. The years before I met my husband is mostly a blur for me, I do not remember them to well, or perhaps I do not want to remember them. I was masking like hell, and I was tired. When I met my husband I started to relax, and at that time in my life everything was wonderful. It is wonderful now to, I would not trade it for anything. I did so much then to improve my life, I finished school, I got my drivers license, we bought a house, I lost weight.

We then decided we wanted to have children, or more specific, one child. I got pregnant directly, I had a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, and everything was fine. Except that I got a post-partum depression, felt overwhelmed all the time, got meltdowns. I did manage to start university, but I have not finished a degree. We did feel it was to much to take care of a house on top of it all, so we sold it and moved to an apartment in the city we live in today.

It was here that a psychiatrist asked me if I ever had any assesment for adhd, and I got sent in line for one, the waiting time was years. But I got an assesment, and they told me that I had asperger and add. I know they have taken away asperger now, but that is the diagnosis I got, so I am sticking with it.

After diagnosis

I can not say that everything went totally fine after I got my diagnosis, I struggle. I can not work. I have trouble with cleaning and a lot of other stuff. But I get meltdowns, I get overwhelmed, and have trouble with sensory input. Today the sun is out, but I feel I can not go out, because it is to bright. The light hurts me. I have realised that I not can wear any kind of clothes, my t-shirts are made of cotton, I can not wear anything else, becuase it feels like it hurts my skin.

I get overwhelmed by the sensory input of a lot of stuff. I get depressions and I have anxiety. So I take medications for it, I have a lot of different kinds, for my depression, for my anxiety, to help me sleep. I do not like it, but I can not function at all without it. I have tried different stuff, but I think it is really hard. To stick with something is not something I am good at either, I have read about pathological demand avoidance, PDA, and I am pretty sure I fall in under that. So that makes it even harder.

I do stimming. I have realised that rocking is a great way to release anxiety, problem is that I can not sit and rock all the day. I flap my hands to destress to, and also when I am happy. I can not hide when I get happy and excited from my husband, my flapping hands reveals me. And apparently that I can not stop smiling.

Parenting

Last year my daughter got a diagnosis of asd to, it is mostly the same diagnocis that I got. I hope to be a good example for her. I can a lot of myself in her, but I think she is more confident. I guess she has more people in her life that listens to her and understand. I want to learn her that stimming is okay, and that masking can be bad for you.

I really hope my life can be happy and that I can raise a happy daughter. I want that she gets what I did not, a happy childhood and someone who understands her. Someone who does not say that she react wrong, or that she does things wrong. She is good at so much things, I am stunned by her drawings, and the things she write. She is much better than I at such stuff.

Birthday

But next week is my birthday, I am going to be 40 years old. I am looking forward to it, I like getting older in some way. I feel I can be more myself now. I will get a cake, and hopefully some presents. Something with bears.

Thursday Sun ramblings πŸŒ·

The sun is tricking me today. It is a blue sky and lovely sunshine outside, but it is cold. I know it is winter, I know it is only february, but I really want it to be spring. I want flowers, and that lovely pale green the leafs get when they start growing.

Emrys likes his place at the window at least. Watching for birds seems fun, maybe I will try it.

I am trying to feel more positive, but it is hard work. I feel like a failure with my life, I have no job, and I really do not think I will get one. My anxiety always comes in the way with it, and I am struggling to see what I could bring to a work place. I do not really feel at home with people that I do not know. From My experience I say or do something that they would think weird and it gets awkward.

But I do have other things in my life that are wonderful. My daughter, my husband, My lovely cats.

My husband knows that I really like tulips, but I really do not like cut flowers, I think they die so fast that I can not enjoy them. So he bought me curtains with tulips on them, two sets. One with white background and one with black. And then a bouquet with artificial tulips for me.

The best part, I do not have to throw them out after a week.

Because I showed a picture of one of my cats, the other one must be shown also. So here she is, Selina, in all her glory.

Yes, she is named after Catwoman.

I have been playing a little to much Sims 4 these days, and it is hard work. One of my sims went to university, it is so stressful. Not a game you play to relax. I am thinking my sim is going to drop out, marry a robot and adopt some kids. The other one will not marry, she is together with Straud. I can not stop pushing a sim together with him, it happends every time. He is a great father by the way, the kids get ugly, but he is a really loving father. But this time I plan to have them together until she gets old and die, and Straud will get so sad that he commits suicide by standing in the sun. The sun will trick him to, like it tricks me.

What I really wish for right know is the way to make my daughter be able to go to school. She has missed so much now, and I do not know what to do. She has no trouble with schoolwork, she is often ahead of them. But she has to go to school. I hope it will get better after her holiday.

Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey”
/ Doctor Who

A Diary of sorts

I am new at this, but I thought I would give it a try. It is overwhelming to say the least with all these choices for a design for a blog. I only want to make myself a little blog, that perhaps will interest some people.

I like the qoute, so I am keeping it.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

β€” Oscar Wilde.