Monday, new week

I had a pretty good weekend this time, especially sunday. My husband was going to buy new headphones, and me and my daughter went to. We also thought we could turn in our daughters phone, she has dropped it to many times and the screen it in shards. That did not go totally well with my daughter, she would have no phone! Her life was ruined! She did get to borrow mine later, but that is not really good either, but it works. She was mostly upset about her Harry Potter game.

I also finally bought the Supernatural cookbook. I have to have some things left of it, even when the series end. I will make Pudding!

Sims starter house

I also build houses in sims. I did a tiny starter house, tier-2. With a pool, so that they do not get to hot. I am really happy that there are stuff that are free so you can build a house that looks almost okay, but a sim can still buy it for a starter.

So, all in all, I think I am okay. I think that I feel alright, but I am not sure either. I do feel like I am always on edge, and there is a lot of sensory overload right now. It is to bright, to much noise. I have no idea how to make it better.

40, anxiety and terror

I am 40 years old.

We went out to dinner yesterday, to a really nice restuarant. It was really good food, and I love the place. And my daughter even put up a picture of her and me on her snapchat! With much filter that is. But anyway, I got on her snapchat, and that is a miracle.

Over to other stuff, I do not know how to relax. I am anxoius all the time, and I am scared.

An autistic half-life story, I want to stim and rock

I am autistic woman. I was diagnosed with asperger and add in 2013, when I was 33 years old. I had gone 33 years without a diagnosis, and then I had one. It explained a lot, why I felt like I did, why I reacted like I did. It was both wonderful and scary at the same time. I did not know a lot about autism at the time, and I have to admit, I do not feel like I know a lot. The things I read about it, what characteristics is said about autism, I feel it is normal. That is how you supposed to react. I also does not really know how how much is me, and how much is masking.

Childhood

When I was groving up I got yelled at a lot, from my mother. I do have trouble with memories with when I was little, and I do not know if that is because I have bad memory, or if I am suppresing it. I did not have a god relationship with my mother, I now realise that she had her own mental problems, but that did not make it al right taking it out on me. I really tried doing like she told me to do, I really tried behaving like she wanted me to, but it was never enough. I was always stressed, I had anxiety, I was depressed. I remember when I was around 12, sitting on the floor crying and holding a knife and wanting to hurt myself. I did wanted to not exist when I was younger, but I did not think I wanted to kill myself. I just wished that I never had existed in the first place.

Adulting

Anyway, I grew up, I moved away when I was 18, and it was in many ways to get away from my mother. I was quite a mess back then, and I tried to make friends with people and it did not really work that great. I did not know who I was at all, which I still not do to some degree, but it was worse then. The years before I met my husband is mostly a blur for me, I do not remember them to well, or perhaps I do not want to remember them. I was masking like hell, and I was tired. When I met my husband I started to relax, and at that time in my life everything was wonderful. It is wonderful now to, I would not trade it for anything. I did so much then to improve my life, I finished school, I got my drivers license, we bought a house, I lost weight.

We then decided we wanted to have children, or more specific, one child. I got pregnant directly, I had a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, and everything was fine. Except that I got a post-partum depression, felt overwhelmed all the time, got meltdowns. I did manage to start university, but I have not finished a degree. We did feel it was to much to take care of a house on top of it all, so we sold it and moved to an apartment in the city we live in today.

It was here that a psychiatrist asked me if I ever had any assesment for adhd, and I got sent in line for one, the waiting time was years. But I got an assesment, and they told me that I had asperger and add. I know they have taken away asperger now, but that is the diagnosis I got, so I am sticking with it.

After diagnosis

I can not say that everything went totally fine after I got my diagnosis, I struggle. I can not work. I have trouble with cleaning and a lot of other stuff. But I get meltdowns, I get overwhelmed, and have trouble with sensory input. Today the sun is out, but I feel I can not go out, because it is to bright. The light hurts me. I have realised that I not can wear any kind of clothes, my t-shirts are made of cotton, I can not wear anything else, becuase it feels like it hurts my skin.

I get overwhelmed by the sensory input of a lot of stuff. I get depressions and I have anxiety. So I take medications for it, I have a lot of different kinds, for my depression, for my anxiety, to help me sleep. I do not like it, but I can not function at all without it. I have tried different stuff, but I think it is really hard. To stick with something is not something I am good at either, I have read about pathological demand avoidance, PDA, and I am pretty sure I fall in under that. So that makes it even harder.

I do stimming. I have realised that rocking is a great way to release anxiety, problem is that I can not sit and rock all the day. I flap my hands to destress to, and also when I am happy. I can not hide when I get happy and excited from my husband, my flapping hands reveals me. And apparently that I can not stop smiling.

Parenting

Last year my daughter got a diagnosis of asd to, it is mostly the same diagnocis that I got. I hope to be a good example for her. I can a lot of myself in her, but I think she is more confident. I guess she has more people in her life that listens to her and understand. I want to learn her that stimming is okay, and that masking can be bad for you.

I really hope my life can be happy and that I can raise a happy daughter. I want that she gets what I did not, a happy childhood and someone who understands her. Someone who does not say that she react wrong, or that she does things wrong. She is good at so much things, I am stunned by her drawings, and the things she write. She is much better than I at such stuff.

Birthday

But next week is my birthday, I am going to be 40 years old. I am looking forward to it, I like getting older in some way. I feel I can be more myself now. I will get a cake, and hopefully some presents. Something with bears.

The sun down motel

I bought some books today for my kindle, and one of them was The sun down motel by Simone St. James. I have read all her books, and I really love them. This one is about a haunted hotel, a girl that goes missing in 1982 and her niece that tries to solve the mystery in 2007 after her mother has died. I have just started with it, but I feel it is going to be wonderful. I really love her books, and I can recomend them for you.

Tiny Oasis Spring house

I guess you can not believe what I have done more today. Yes, I have built another house in sims. This one was a tiny house, the smallest kind, and it is for those who wants to garden. I even put in a bonsai tree because that can make your gardening better.

Birthday

My birthday is coming up soon, and my husband had told me that we could go out to eat at a restaurant that I like. I talked to my father today, and he is going to join us. He does not really like going to those places, but he will do it anyway. Because i will be 40 then. 40 years old, I do not feel that old. I feel like I am around 25, it is a little weird to think that I am going to be 40. My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I do not really know. I guess money always comes in handy. I did say a trip to Edingburg, or perhaps the throne to Scotland. I have done some genealogy, and at first it was as I suspected. Swedish people, not that well off, but not dirt poor either. Then I started wonder why people where born in Scotland, and then it blew up. Now I can trace my ancestors back to around 1000, I found out that I was related to a Sinclair clan and one of my ancestors was James V Stewart, King of Scots. The weird thing was that no one knew about that. My father got really surprised, and his father does not knew about that either. I know a lot of people are related to them, and a lot of people can trace their lineage to these people. I just did not think they would pop up in my tree. I wonder if it was there I got my autism from.

Bedtime

I am thinking about going to bed soon and read perhaps. I am a little anxoius about it, because I have sleeping troubles. I take medicine for it, sleeping pills and other stuff for both depression and my anxiety. It helps some, but I feel it is hard to maintain the right amount of medicine. I guess most people who have sleeping troubles and anxiety can relate too when you are feeling very anxoius, can not sleep and so on, and you think, just this time I will take some extra. It is dangerous, really dangeraous. And I feel worse after, it is a vicious cirle. I have really big trouble to relax, and wind down. And I have trouble staying asleep.

But it is nice going to bed, and close the door. Put in my ear plugs and the sound disappears. In the evening I feel really overwhelmed by all sensory inputs. Right now I have really trouble concentrating and write, and I have to stop now. I feel overwhelmed and it feels like I am going to have a meltdown.