40, anxiety and terror

I am 40 years old.

We went out to dinner yesterday, to a really nice restuarant. It was really good food, and I love the place. And my daughter even put up a picture of her and me on her snapchat! With much filter that is. But anyway, I got on her snapchat, and that is a miracle.

Over to other stuff, I do not know how to relax. I am anxoius all the time, and I am scared.

An autistic half-life story, I want to stim and rock

I am autistic woman. I was diagnosed with asperger and add in 2013, when I was 33 years old. I had gone 33 years without a diagnosis, and then I had one. It explained a lot, why I felt like I did, why I reacted like I did. It was both wonderful and scary at the same time. I did not know a lot about autism at the time, and I have to admit, I do not feel like I know a lot. The things I read about it, what characteristics is said about autism, I feel it is normal. That is how you supposed to react. I also does not really know how how much is me, and how much is masking.

Childhood

When I was groving up I got yelled at a lot, from my mother. I do have trouble with memories with when I was little, and I do not know if that is because I have bad memory, or if I am suppresing it. I did not have a god relationship with my mother, I now realise that she had her own mental problems, but that did not make it al right taking it out on me. I really tried doing like she told me to do, I really tried behaving like she wanted me to, but it was never enough. I was always stressed, I had anxiety, I was depressed. I remember when I was around 12, sitting on the floor crying and holding a knife and wanting to hurt myself. I did wanted to not exist when I was younger, but I did not think I wanted to kill myself. I just wished that I never had existed in the first place.

Adulting

Anyway, I grew up, I moved away when I was 18, and it was in many ways to get away from my mother. I was quite a mess back then, and I tried to make friends with people and it did not really work that great. I did not know who I was at all, which I still not do to some degree, but it was worse then. The years before I met my husband is mostly a blur for me, I do not remember them to well, or perhaps I do not want to remember them. I was masking like hell, and I was tired. When I met my husband I started to relax, and at that time in my life everything was wonderful. It is wonderful now to, I would not trade it for anything. I did so much then to improve my life, I finished school, I got my drivers license, we bought a house, I lost weight.

We then decided we wanted to have children, or more specific, one child. I got pregnant directly, I had a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, and everything was fine. Except that I got a post-partum depression, felt overwhelmed all the time, got meltdowns. I did manage to start university, but I have not finished a degree. We did feel it was to much to take care of a house on top of it all, so we sold it and moved to an apartment in the city we live in today.

It was here that a psychiatrist asked me if I ever had any assesment for adhd, and I got sent in line for one, the waiting time was years. But I got an assesment, and they told me that I had asperger and add. I know they have taken away asperger now, but that is the diagnosis I got, so I am sticking with it.

After diagnosis

I can not say that everything went totally fine after I got my diagnosis, I struggle. I can not work. I have trouble with cleaning and a lot of other stuff. But I get meltdowns, I get overwhelmed, and have trouble with sensory input. Today the sun is out, but I feel I can not go out, because it is to bright. The light hurts me. I have realised that I not can wear any kind of clothes, my t-shirts are made of cotton, I can not wear anything else, becuase it feels like it hurts my skin.

I get overwhelmed by the sensory input of a lot of stuff. I get depressions and I have anxiety. So I take medications for it, I have a lot of different kinds, for my depression, for my anxiety, to help me sleep. I do not like it, but I can not function at all without it. I have tried different stuff, but I think it is really hard. To stick with something is not something I am good at either, I have read about pathological demand avoidance, PDA, and I am pretty sure I fall in under that. So that makes it even harder.

I do stimming. I have realised that rocking is a great way to release anxiety, problem is that I can not sit and rock all the day. I flap my hands to destress to, and also when I am happy. I can not hide when I get happy and excited from my husband, my flapping hands reveals me. And apparently that I can not stop smiling.

Parenting

Last year my daughter got a diagnosis of asd to, it is mostly the same diagnocis that I got. I hope to be a good example for her. I can a lot of myself in her, but I think she is more confident. I guess she has more people in her life that listens to her and understand. I want to learn her that stimming is okay, and that masking can be bad for you.

I really hope my life can be happy and that I can raise a happy daughter. I want that she gets what I did not, a happy childhood and someone who understands her. Someone who does not say that she react wrong, or that she does things wrong. She is good at so much things, I am stunned by her drawings, and the things she write. She is much better than I at such stuff.

Birthday

But next week is my birthday, I am going to be 40 years old. I am looking forward to it, I like getting older in some way. I feel I can be more myself now. I will get a cake, and hopefully some presents. Something with bears.

The sun down motel

I bought some books today for my kindle, and one of them was The sun down motel by Simone St. James. I have read all her books, and I really love them. This one is about a haunted hotel, a girl that goes missing in 1982 and her niece that tries to solve the mystery in 2007 after her mother has died. I have just started with it, but I feel it is going to be wonderful. I really love her books, and I can recomend them for you.

Tiny Oasis Spring house

I guess you can not believe what I have done more today. Yes, I have built another house in sims. This one was a tiny house, the smallest kind, and it is for those who wants to garden. I even put in a bonsai tree because that can make your gardening better.

Birthday

My birthday is coming up soon, and my husband had told me that we could go out to eat at a restaurant that I like. I talked to my father today, and he is going to join us. He does not really like going to those places, but he will do it anyway. Because i will be 40 then. 40 years old, I do not feel that old. I feel like I am around 25, it is a little weird to think that I am going to be 40. My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I do not really know. I guess money always comes in handy. I did say a trip to Edingburg, or perhaps the throne to Scotland. I have done some genealogy, and at first it was as I suspected. Swedish people, not that well off, but not dirt poor either. Then I started wonder why people where born in Scotland, and then it blew up. Now I can trace my ancestors back to around 1000, I found out that I was related to a Sinclair clan and one of my ancestors was James V Stewart, King of Scots. The weird thing was that no one knew about that. My father got really surprised, and his father does not knew about that either. I know a lot of people are related to them, and a lot of people can trace their lineage to these people. I just did not think they would pop up in my tree. I wonder if it was there I got my autism from.

Bedtime

I am thinking about going to bed soon and read perhaps. I am a little anxoius about it, because I have sleeping troubles. I take medicine for it, sleeping pills and other stuff for both depression and my anxiety. It helps some, but I feel it is hard to maintain the right amount of medicine. I guess most people who have sleeping troubles and anxiety can relate too when you are feeling very anxoius, can not sleep and so on, and you think, just this time I will take some extra. It is dangerous, really dangeraous. And I feel worse after, it is a vicious cirle. I have really big trouble to relax, and wind down. And I have trouble staying asleep.

But it is nice going to bed, and close the door. Put in my ear plugs and the sound disappears. In the evening I feel really overwhelmed by all sensory inputs. Right now I have really trouble concentrating and write, and I have to stop now. I feel overwhelmed and it feels like I am going to have a meltdown.