40, anxiety and terror

I am 40 years old.

We went out to dinner yesterday, to a really nice restuarant. It was really good food, and I love the place. And my daughter even put up a picture of her and me on her snapchat! With much filter that is. But anyway, I got on her snapchat, and that is a miracle.

Over to other stuff, I do not know how to relax. I am anxoius all the time, and I am scared.

The day before I become 40!

These lovely kitties wanted to say hi. One atleast the other ignores you.

SmootHies

I have started making smoothies with vegetables. One carrot, peas and the rest bananas and pineapple. My husband tasted, and said it was an improvement to yeasterdays. I did have cauliflower in that one, perhaps not the the idea. I want to fond more ideas for smoothies with vegetables, I realised that I can “eat” more of it then. Where do I find that?

I think my trouble with eating vegetables comes from my asperger. Sensory difficulties. Same with drinking water, I hate that.

So, can I get smoothie recipes with vegetables?

Saturday at town

I got two new books today, one warhammer horror, and one book I have been waiting to buy, it is totally new. It will be good to have some new books to read. I like horror, I really like horror. You can say that I love it.

Anxious

I have been feeling a bit anxious today. Perhaps it is because it is my birthday soon. I do not really know why I am anxious really, and I hate it. I wish I could just make it go away.

Vegetables

I have really trouble with eating vegetables. So I got the brilliant idea that I could make smoothies and drink it. It is easier to drink I think. So I mixed some stuff, and:

My husband thought it was terrible, but I guess I can drink it. I want to get more vegetables and less candy in my diet. I really think I need it, because I know it is good for you. And I feel a little, old. I need to start excercising also, but I do not know what I will do. I need more than walking I think. But I do not want to go alone to swim either, but I think that is something I could do.

I got a nice painting today, or, it is one I will paint myself. Paint with numbers, with a bear. I love it.

I am so tired

I want to sleep, to crawl under blankets, lie in the darkness. Lie there, and watch the darkness, feel my eyes relax.

The bedl innen is newly washed, I do not have to go up early tomorrow. I will lie here in my bed, in the darkness, and savour the time I have here.

This is God Night, I hope you sleep well.

An autistic half-life story, I want to stim and rock

I am autistic woman. I was diagnosed with asperger and add in 2013, when I was 33 years old. I had gone 33 years without a diagnosis, and then I had one. It explained a lot, why I felt like I did, why I reacted like I did. It was both wonderful and scary at the same time. I did not know a lot about autism at the time, and I have to admit, I do not feel like I know a lot. The things I read about it, what characteristics is said about autism, I feel it is normal. That is how you supposed to react. I also does not really know how how much is me, and how much is masking.

Childhood

When I was groving up I got yelled at a lot, from my mother. I do have trouble with memories with when I was little, and I do not know if that is because I have bad memory, or if I am suppresing it. I did not have a god relationship with my mother, I now realise that she had her own mental problems, but that did not make it al right taking it out on me. I really tried doing like she told me to do, I really tried behaving like she wanted me to, but it was never enough. I was always stressed, I had anxiety, I was depressed. I remember when I was around 12, sitting on the floor crying and holding a knife and wanting to hurt myself. I did wanted to not exist when I was younger, but I did not think I wanted to kill myself. I just wished that I never had existed in the first place.

Adulting

Anyway, I grew up, I moved away when I was 18, and it was in many ways to get away from my mother. I was quite a mess back then, and I tried to make friends with people and it did not really work that great. I did not know who I was at all, which I still not do to some degree, but it was worse then. The years before I met my husband is mostly a blur for me, I do not remember them to well, or perhaps I do not want to remember them. I was masking like hell, and I was tired. When I met my husband I started to relax, and at that time in my life everything was wonderful. It is wonderful now to, I would not trade it for anything. I did so much then to improve my life, I finished school, I got my drivers license, we bought a house, I lost weight.

We then decided we wanted to have children, or more specific, one child. I got pregnant directly, I had a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, and everything was fine. Except that I got a post-partum depression, felt overwhelmed all the time, got meltdowns. I did manage to start university, but I have not finished a degree. We did feel it was to much to take care of a house on top of it all, so we sold it and moved to an apartment in the city we live in today.

It was here that a psychiatrist asked me if I ever had any assesment for adhd, and I got sent in line for one, the waiting time was years. But I got an assesment, and they told me that I had asperger and add. I know they have taken away asperger now, but that is the diagnosis I got, so I am sticking with it.

After diagnosis

I can not say that everything went totally fine after I got my diagnosis, I struggle. I can not work. I have trouble with cleaning and a lot of other stuff. But I get meltdowns, I get overwhelmed, and have trouble with sensory input. Today the sun is out, but I feel I can not go out, because it is to bright. The light hurts me. I have realised that I not can wear any kind of clothes, my t-shirts are made of cotton, I can not wear anything else, becuase it feels like it hurts my skin.

I get overwhelmed by the sensory input of a lot of stuff. I get depressions and I have anxiety. So I take medications for it, I have a lot of different kinds, for my depression, for my anxiety, to help me sleep. I do not like it, but I can not function at all without it. I have tried different stuff, but I think it is really hard. To stick with something is not something I am good at either, I have read about pathological demand avoidance, PDA, and I am pretty sure I fall in under that. So that makes it even harder.

I do stimming. I have realised that rocking is a great way to release anxiety, problem is that I can not sit and rock all the day. I flap my hands to destress to, and also when I am happy. I can not hide when I get happy and excited from my husband, my flapping hands reveals me. And apparently that I can not stop smiling.

Parenting

Last year my daughter got a diagnosis of asd to, it is mostly the same diagnocis that I got. I hope to be a good example for her. I can a lot of myself in her, but I think she is more confident. I guess she has more people in her life that listens to her and understand. I want to learn her that stimming is okay, and that masking can be bad for you.

I really hope my life can be happy and that I can raise a happy daughter. I want that she gets what I did not, a happy childhood and someone who understands her. Someone who does not say that she react wrong, or that she does things wrong. She is good at so much things, I am stunned by her drawings, and the things she write. She is much better than I at such stuff.

Birthday

But next week is my birthday, I am going to be 40 years old. I am looking forward to it, I like getting older in some way. I feel I can be more myself now. I will get a cake, and hopefully some presents. Something with bears.

The old gods are here

I started playing World of Warcraft after some time, and I feel like Gandalf. And I am playing as a shadaw priest, so it feels a little weird when I fight the bad guys.

Hey, we have the the same attacks, weird right. Are you sure we are not in the same side?

Autistic Nerdmother

Sooooooooon

I did it, I pre-purchased the next expansion in World of Warcraft. I will try playing tomorrow, of my husband can help me with my computer. Apperantly the grafic card was not up to date.

The Unwilling

I read this book today, I just flew through it. I actually started reading it because I had to Read something, and there it was. I loved it, I think you can guess that. This is the kind of book I love, and I want more like it.

The Long Lankin

“Childrens Book”

This was Said to be a childrens book, but I felt, okay, I will read it. It plats out during the second world war in Britain, two childrens are sent out to their aunt in the country that they never meet. But well, childrens should not be at that place. It is the creepiest, most horrifying book I have ever read. Perhaps some of it comes with the authors really good ability to describe the surroundings. I can see the house in my mind.

Emrys with a new toy

And of course, a picture of one of the kittys. Because I know everyone loves cats.

This is a good way for me to talk about my interests. Perhaps someone ser my recommendations and try them, books or series.

What would you want to know?

I am autistic, and it is how I am. It can be hard explaining to other people, who are not autistic. If anyone reads this, and have questions, feel free to ask about it. I will not take offence, and I only kill people in sims.

You do not seem autistic……

It is monday, and it has been a ordinary day. I got to watch Doctor Who, which is always lovely. I actually like Jodie Whittaker as the doctor, I feel like she make a good one. The Master is creepy crazy, even if I really did like Michelle Gomez as Missy. I have watched Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and I love her as Lilith.

I watch a lot of series, and one of my favourite is ending with this season. I guess most people can guess what it is, Supernatural. I have ordered the cockbook, and it is my birthdaypresent to myself. I think you all should order it.

It is the official cockbook, and a picture from the internet. I will show you mine when I get it.

I also watch Lucifer, and want the next season now. But altered carbon comes on thursday to netflix, so there is that.

Well, there is my talking about some series I watch. I watch other to, I actually watch the Good Doctor, but I get angry every time. I do not feel like he represent a good picture of someone with autism. Not someone that where able to complete a education like that. The picture of autism is very sterotypical, and that are all people that where on the show and have autism. I know two of the actors really have autism, but I miss the people that I and many more of us can identify with. Those that many people say to: Oh, you do not seem autistic. I have heard that a lot. I have no idea what to say to that. I do think I seem autistic. But many people do not seem to think people with autism can have relationships and especially children. But I do rock, rocking is good for you.

Kill the men!

Oh, and I have seven men in my basement, that is only a small part and the rest is a pool. I am waiting to see who dies first. They are really uncomfortable. In sims, it is in sims, you do not have to call the police. They are in sims, I do not even own a basement.

Mental health sucks…..

Again, a blog without pictures. I have not done much of anything this wekeend, I was in town yesterday. I was browsing books in the best bookstore in town, they have a lot of good books there.

The apartment got cleaned also. It is hard trying to make it work, because both me and my daughter have real trouble seeing the mess, and my husband is the one picking up after us. He gets tired of it, and I have no idea how to solve it. I try, I really, really try, but it is so hard. And it triggers stuff for me, with my upbringing. I get scared, because that was what I was when I was growing up, scared. I never did seem to do anything right, and it feels that way now to.

It seems that I am anxious all the time now. I do realise that I do not take care of my body at all, I do not excercise, I do not eat right. I all the wrong things to feel good, but it is hard to change. I feel really anxious when I leave the apartment by myself, and that is why I prefer to stay at home. I feel like I am waiting for a attack when I am outside. I have trouble when it is to light, and now it is weird weather. It is supposed to be winter and snow, it feels like spring.

Well, perhaps I will try and meditate and take a walk sometime. Maybe then I would feel better. But it is boring!